Friday, December 4, 2009

Things I've Lied About Over The Decade a.k.a Now You Know Part.I

I'll be two decades older next year (WHOA), so I can't keep carrying these set of lies. I AIM TO BE A BETTER PERSON, I'm reaching TWENTY, man, TWENTY, 2-0. Let's leave this teen bullshit in the past, and move the fuck on, people. I don't ever lie, so this is almost digging through an inner Holy Grail:

#1. I REALLY hate beer (2000)

I never buy alcohol, so every time I'm out I depend on the friends around me to pass along, and the chicks I hang with have a strong affinity for BEER & LAGER. Anytime I'm handed a full can of Red Stripe, I always smile in gratitude, but if they could read my inner thoughts I'm damning them all to hell for keeping their Baileys to themselves and giving ME the fucking bitter booze. I love a 40 oz. Bounce, but beer tastes like SHIT. Any brand, flavour or kind.

#2."The last time I got shitfaced drunk, I was eleven" (2007)

Technically, this isn't exactly a lie - and it's for that reason, and that reason alone I've kept myself off booze since then (That's about 8 years), because to be honest, it's a) not exactly that appealing or 'hot' to be drunk off your head, and b) cost mad bread$£$£$£ - Until June of this year though, whilst walking home to the Tube station after some happy hour courtesy of the good people who run Platform (thanks, guys!), I was seeing triple, couldn't think logically, almost stumbled on that fucking skateboard that's been there for the past, what? 9 months? And was giggling to myself on the Central line wondering if anyone'd guess I was off my face? Half a cup of whiskey mixed with coke, that's all it took. Never again.

#3. I've taken my mom's Pericles belt, but told her she probably lost it (2008)

(This is a rough translation from French)
Mom: I've had that belt for 20 years, I honestly can't believe I've lost it now, where could it possibly be? I've looked everywhere. You sure you haven't seen it?
Me: Nope.
Mom: Seriously. My favourite belt, and it went really well with [...stopped paying attention]
Me: Well, If I knew, I'd be the first one to tell you. I'll look in the basement again tomorrow. Mom: Absolutely cannot believe it.

I do feel about about this one, because my mom is 'outta this world', but yeah HI MOM! I've got your belt in a suitcase, left in London. Sorry, yeah I had it all along, because it looks mad nice. I thought you'd forget about it by now, but since you keep mentioning it all.the.time, which adds on to my guilt, I'll bring it back. X

#4. Fashion (2005)

About 95 percent of my graduating class thought I'd end up in Art school, studying fashion design (BARF), truth is, I got off that since what could be passed as a Payless strap-on was selling out for triple figures (675$ For this shit? Bypass). I've still got my handsewn dresses I made 6 years ago, and great memories from Parsons, but FUCK THAT. Happy I ditched that. Style on the other hand, is a different (but long) story.

#5. Cats (2002)

I like to go on about how much I hate cats, and how gross they are, and how fun it must be to kick them 20 miles and hear the frantic fear in their sad sad little raspy voices; or throw water on them because they hate it, cats hate getting wet. BUT CAN ANYONE ACTUALLY RESIST THIS?


Now you know.

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